Here I am God

by Michele Boy | June 26, 2025

It’s the end of June. My daughter is away at camp for a week, and there is a lot of quiet and a lot of space. 
It is strange and uncomfortable. My first reaction is to try and fill the space. But a part of me just wants to stop and relax a little. 
There are things in my home I have neglected. My decluttering mode is on. Hoping I can get through a lot of this before that energy wears off. 
I have a theory that how the week begins is how it will go. On Sunday a couple of small disagreements escalated into full blown arguments with my husband. It felt awful. I was so uncomfortable I wasn’t going to go to church. My daughter said I think you will feel better if we go. 
But the thought of being nice and greeting happy people also felt uncomfortable. When I did get there, I was glad. The music was good and the message was appropriate. How many times do you forgive someone? Seven? No seventy times seven. 
My husband and I talked after coming to the conversation with cooler heads and warmer hearts. 
But later in the week some difficult situations arose in other relationships. My first thought was I knew this is how the week would go. 
As I talked through some of this with my husband I realized my struggle with all of this is that I am not in control. I want to be. 
The truth is people can’t learn if I am trying to control it all. Loved ones can’t grow through if I am holding on. And I can’t either. 
Where I thought this week would be relaxing and restorative, it has turned out to be transformative. 
I am not in charge. 
I listened to a preacher who said if you keep asking God to get you through something you will miss the lesson and it will be recreated over and over again. 
I had a couple of opportunities this week to throw myself into situations that would keep me busier. But I don’t want to push myself into something if it is just to keep me busy. 
So here I am allowing myself to sit and be uncomfortable. And it is uncomfortable!
On Tuesday night as I lay in bed, my mind raced with every worst possible outcome. I finally prayed God you have to take this because I can’t. You are in charge, not me. 
In that exact next moment a text came with some reassurance. I knew it was God. He didn’t want me to be in pain one second longer than I needed to be. 
God says suddenly. He will turn things around suddenly. But I realize now it won’t happen until the lesson is learned. Or at least the awareness is there. 
I am not good at sitting in the uncomfortable places. But I don’t want to take one step forward until I am sure God says to. 
So here I am God. Lead me. Your will, not mine. I don’t understand everything going on but I know you will work all things out for our good. 
We walk by faith, not by sight. Mostly because we can’t see the big picture from where we stand. 
So I am praying - thank you God for doing mighty things even when I don’t understand them. 
In Philippians 4:6-7, it says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Or in laymen’s terms, God has gotten you through it all so relax and trust in Him. 
And for teen parents out there, my husband pointed out I just quoted six seven lol! 
I leave you today with this - Find the gratitude and trust the process, even when you don’t understand it. 
Brandon Lake sings - “So I throw up my hands and praise You again and again. ‘Cause all that I have is a hallelujah.”