Changed

by Michele Boy | April 27, 2023

I watched a piano recital Saturday afternoon. After the children played, two extremely dedicated and talented pianists performed. 
The first played impeccably. She was a virtuoso who became the piece and her fingers flowed almost effortlessly. For what felt like 20 minutes, she and the piano became one. It was clear she found and pursued her passion. 
But it was the second pianist that I connected with. She stood before us and spoke for a few minutes about her life. She shared the decisions she made that brought her to this day. She had turned down an opportunity when she was young because it wasn’t financially practical. And how her choices led her to meeting her husband, to playing in churches, and more. 
She played for just a few minutes but it was lovely. 
I realized how fascinated I was by the second pianist, the one who shared her story. 
 By opening up some of her life decisions and becoming vulnerable, she opened up a place inside of me as well. 
  How have the past decisions you made led you to the place you are now? Maybe you regret some of them. But maybe embracing how they led you to where you are has grown your character, built something stronger in you, opened a door you were surprised at.
 In that spirit, this next couple of weeks brings up some personal memories and emotions that I struggle with. I think somehow one day I won’t feel as much. That I will be better. Do you have those days? When you wonder what’s wrong, you look at the calendar and realize - oh that’s today. Only for me it’s not one day it’s a couple weeks. 
 If my friend came and told me they were hurting I would want to show them extra care and kindness. When it’s myself I get mad for not “getting over it.” 
The truth is you don’t ever get over it. You move forward changed and that’s ok. 
And maybe it’s ok to sit in the sadness a little. When this paper goes out, I am going to try a little kindness toward myself, not push so hard, enjoy the rain, and accept that sadness is part of life too. 
 I have lost some people in my life and the emotions that come with it are messy. Things they did, things I said, the past that can’t be changed. But those people impacted me. 
In my sadness I am also taking stock of how blessed I am.  If all goes as planned, this weekend we are headed to our first livestock shows of the season. However the weekend goes, there will be memories because my family and I are together.  
 Life moves forward.  Decisions are made. Mistakes happen. We grow. We learn. We feel. 
 I have never done feelings well. Somewhere I think I learned you feel either joy or sadness, you can’t feel both at the same time. And I often fought it, fought myself. 
For this week I am going to try embracing them both. 
“The bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”—Anne Lamott
On that note, a funny story about my dad since this is the anniversary of his death. 
I asked loved ones to put things in his coffin when he passed. His best friend said, “I knew your father well. I am taking something out.” 
LOL. 
Cheers Dad. For the good and the bad. You made me who I am today.