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Release

Have you ever had a heavy moment where a memory stops you and floods your day, clouding everything? 
  I had that on Sunday. I started out the morning excited about my book release and a dream of mine coming together. I spoke into the spirit world and said I did it Dad. I swear I heard his response and it was ugly and hurtful. 
When I shared that moment with a cousin she said he would have said that but then he would have told the rest of the world my daughter is a published author. 
While that helped, I was still shook. Why did it have to be that way? Why couldn’t he have said that to me? 
  I recently read a book Rebel Girl by Kathleen Hanna where she said moments like that, “made me feel like a dirty napkin.” That’s exactly how I felt. 
Maybe he was trying to raise me to not be conceited. It backfired. I felt deep hatred towards myself, him, and others for years, decades. 
  I prayed. I thought about how we pray. I’m not sure where I heard this or why, but sometimes I feel like we are supposed to pray things away when the truth is I felt like there is a deep root of bitterness, betrayal, and anger imbedded in this. And I didn’t want to ignore it or pray it away.   
  I felt like God is saying it is time to pull that weed. 
Maybe it is hurting because I am ready to start digging it out. The truth is digging is going to hurt. But I feel like removing that deep seated root may free me up greatly. 
But it will cause pain, tears, sadness, and will require work. 
  No one wants that combination. We do all the things to avoid that. 
So I spent Sunday letting it sit with me. 
I didn’t celebrate being published. I focused on the sadness. Then I had to let it go for a while. I was headed out of town to watch my daughter cheer.
  Backstory - I hated cheerleaders growing up. They were fun, light, and peppy. They seemed to have joy all the time. Their hair was perfect. Their lives seemed perfect. 
  I was jealous, envious, and sullen. My life wasn’t that way. 
  We walked into the gymnasium on Sunday to see the girls perform on the last day o f cheer camp.  
  I can’t believe how amazing it was to see her and her friends/teammates find such joy in their childhoods. It brought tears to my eyes. And I was filled with gratitude that I got to watch it. 
  My husband looked at me smiling and said, “God is funny, isn’t he?” 
Yes he is. 
 My joy on Sunday didn’t come from a bucket list dream coming true. It came from cheerleaders working hard, giving it their all.
  Does that mean they don’t have struggles? Of course not. They are human just like the rest of us. 
  But it does mean they have love and support and feel they are worth something. At least I hope so.  
  I am glad today to raise my daughter in a better way than I was raised. 
I don’t ever want her to feel like a dirty napkin. 
  Is there a place inside you that feels that way? Does a memory come up filled with bile and ugliness? Maybe instead of avoidance it’s time to look at it. To pray and seek guidance and maybe it’s time to set it free.  
  Sunday’s dark memory won’t go away that easy. But acknowledging it, giving it to God, helped me release some of it.  
  Watching God use cheerleaders to open my heart makes me laugh. 
 God uses all things. 
So my confession is to all the cheerleaders out there. I apologize. It was my heart that needed revived. 
  Seeing the hair, the bows, the pom poms, the music. I am impressed by all the work that goes into it. 
   Thank you that even if you are having a bad day you stop to help someone else feel good. 
  Holy Spirit You are welcome here
Come flood this place
And fill the atmosphere
Your glory God
Is what our hearts long for
To be overcome
By Your presence, Lord. 
- Jesus Culture

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