I have been thinking about how I want my daughter to live this life. I want her to pursue her passions and be herself regardless of others opinions. But I also want her able to ride the waves of the world easier than I have.
My husband has that even temper I want for her. Nothing gets to him. Whatever you do, get upset at, are happy about, has nothing to do with him. If you are frustrated with him, he considers what’s his, owns it and moves on. And I’m jealous.
I have huge ups and huge downs. I am emotional. I read the room. I check in with people’s emotions and adjust myself accordingly. Or I hold myself back because I don’t want to cause more drama. In short I am trying to be like him. But I am not him. And he didn’t marry me to be him. He married me for me.
I have learned a ton from him and grown to let a lot of things go that I realize are unimportant in my journey. But there is a lot I don’t let go of - a lot of moods, if I am tired angry frustrated, they all show. But joy, excitement and happiness do too. I do not have a poker face. You can read how I feel from a mile away.
This past week I have had some incredible highs and some frustrating lows. If I spend my time comparing myself to my husband I will have failed because he would slide through the highs and the lows with ease.
When I told him I felt off, he responded isn’t that what you live? You always tell me you love to feel the highs and the lows.
Well maybe I am changing because too high and I get paranoid and uncomfortable, too low and I worry I am on the wrong path in life. But even feels strange too.
I want to feel the rain on my face. I want to feel the accolades of hard work. I want to feel the trust of good friends who have my back.
But. There’s always a but. That feeling of a high means I have to feel the low.
To be honest, I have had them all this week- great highs great lows and for the first time it feels uncomfortable.
I put myself in the spotlight and that means I am open to more criticism - both real and imaginary. You have no idea how crazy my thoughts can go.
If I laid low then I wouldn’t go through it.
But that isn’t who I am. The choice is mine. Lay low and even, or be wild and open. Both have consequences. Sitting here writing this I realize I like being different and unique. My husband likes it too.
At the upper elementary school concert Tuesday night (that will be covered in next week’s paper), I watched something incredible. I saw the music teacher listen to her students and create magic. It was if she was a paint brush and each child was a different color of paint. She grabbed each color, mixed and matched, and let them shine. She didn’t worry about the rules. She allowed herself and the students to become.
That’s what I want - to be free from worry of criticism and to be myself. When I try to fit in someone else’s box I become less me. Don’t get me wrong sometimes there is a place for less me. Lol! I get that.
But sometimes letting you not like me is ok too. Working on that part.
God didn’t create me to be you or you to be me. He has one of you already. The trap I fall into is admiring who you are and wanting to be more like you. And while I can gain a lot of wisdom by watching others, it is becoming myself that I need to be comfortable with.
To all of you out there, I admire you greatly for some things and get frustrated at you for others.
When I was a kid my dad taught me to ride the waves in the ocean. Big waves weren’t scary because I learned how to navigate them. As I sit here thinking about the waves of the highs and lows of this week, I am smiling. Instead of fighting it, I am making a choice to ride the waves.
The lyrics from Pearl Jam’s song Release comes to me now - “I am myself, like you somehow
I’ll ride the wave where it takes me.”
Yes I guess that’s what I want for my daughter too. How can I ask her to be herself if I can’t be it too.
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